Oy, Infertility!  It is brutal.  Where to even begin on updates.  This will be more of a thought process blog then a well thought out planned expose.

So I did some more rounds of IUI and no luck.  No pregnancy!  How is that even possible?! For each cycle there were at least 2-3 follicles.  All of them released. No new cysts.  Yet here I was, NOT pregnant. I spoke with my doctor and did more research.  What other options do I have?  IVF is a no go for us.  Our insurance doesn’t cover it.  And unfortunately I am not sitting around with an extra $13,000 in my account to cover it.  So it was back to the drawing board.  What else can I do? I opted to go with taking a month off and planning a laparoscopic surgery  with D&C to explore my anatomy and make sure things looked good after my c-section from my daughter.

I had the procedure on Thursday.  They removed a polyp from my right ovary and some scar tissue from my c-section site.  Everything else looked good! They gave me a good cleaning and I left.  Now I am home. Its been a couple days and I am feeling it.  This hurts y’all. So now sitting here in pain I let my mind wander and do its own bidding.  And I question my sanity.  So confession time….I am having serious doubts.  We agreed that after surgery I would try three more rounds of IUI and if there was no success then we would be finished. I’m scared.  I don’t want to keep putting my body through all this, but I also don’t feel complete in the baby making business.  I don’t feel like our little family is completely whole.  I feel like there is someone missing.  How can someone be missing that we have never met or doesn’t even exist? Is this all just built up in my head or is this real?  But now more than ever I question, how do you move past it? I love my little family.  My husband and girls mean the world to me so I know that if it doesn’t happen I’ll survive.  But how do you get your brain to let go and know that this is completeness? This is where my brains at.  Trying to accept that it might not happen but also trying to relax and let it happen.  Yoga and meditation will be in full swing in the next several weeks while the wheels are in motion.  I’ll post updates  I’ll share my story.  I’ll share my struggle.