Infertility. So many different things go with that one word. Struggles, emotions, frustration…anger. I’ll start by first saying that I know I am fortunate that I already have two healthy happy children and I count my lucky stars every day. But I won’t deny that the infertility anger is still just as strong as it was the first time around. But here I am, trying to have just one more baby.
Just a brief history:
In 2007 we decided to start trying for a baby. I was 23. We had been married the year before. Life was great! I was fortunate to get an early diagnosis after 6 months of trying without success. Family history of infertility….genetics are funny like that. Diagnosis: PCOS. After months of testing and monitoring we started oral medications. Two months of that and we got pregnant with minimal infertility treatment and delivered a healthy girl!
We started again in January of 2011. By the end of 2011 and 6 months of treatments we opted to go to a reproductive endocrinologist. Best decision! The process was much smoother and a lot of the guessing game was taken away. For me, that was the worst part. Not seeing progress and questing whether any of it was working. Frequent blood work, frequent ultrasounds, and being involved in every step took the guesswork out and made me feel more at ease. We were fortunate to get pregnant on our first round of injectable medications with IUI.
Now here I am. We started trying again in January 2015. After all the testing and prolonged cycles we started the injections and IUI’s the latter part of the year. 5 IUI’s later and still no pregnancy. While this could be due to my infertility, I think it largely in part from the way my cycles were treated. So after a 4 month break to regroup, refocus, and get my hopes back in the right place we are back at it. We have opted for a new reproductive endocrinologist as well. One that seems to be more aligned with our plans and I am much more optimistic than I have been in months!
I say all this to share our struggle. My first time around I felt so isolated and alone. No one talked about infertility. No one told me about resources and websites for people struggling with the exact same thing. I kept our infertility struggles a secret like it was something to be ashamed of. I felt like it made me less deserving or less of a woman because I couldn’t do what my body was supposed to be able to do. The second time around I shared it with family and friends. I vented my frustrations. I had support. I was encouraged. And while I still struggle with the anger and my own thoughts, I know it is much easier for me to be open about infertility than isolating myself.
For those struggling with infertility, I am truly sorry for what you are having to go through. It is rough. It is unfair. It is SO frustrating. There is pain. Anger. Jealousy. Sadness. But hopefully there will be happiness too! Keep fighting for what you want. Get second opinions. Explore your options. Don’t be pushed into a plan that you aren’t ready for. I am one of the lucky ones. I was able to have my girls. I have met some people that there was nothing more that could be done. It wasn’t going to happen no matter what they did. And my heart broke for them. My thoughts go out to everyone fighting infertility and trying to have a family. It is so hard but so worth it! Best Wishes!
I plan to blog updates about our infertility progress. I did this on a whim and I think I like it!